Chapter 8
When Mason left Julia indulged in crying. What he did, what he said, was so - reasonable, so responsible of him, so noble and - cynical, just like Mason himself. He wouldn''t pretend, even for a moment, that he was in love with her, and Julia thought the situation humiliating.
Why, oh why does it happen so that the man of your life, with whom you''re happy physically, intellectually and in every other possible way, - that for him you''re not the woman of his life?
If Julia accepted the proposal, what would their life be like? Mason would hate coming home to meet the woman he had married for the sake of appearances; little by little he would start hating HER. He''d be sick of seeing her both at work and at home, and he''d find excuses to stay away late, drinking, or working, as she''d be waiting up for him, worried and vexed, and when he came she would not contain her temper, so he''d run away and drink more. One day she''d learn he found a mistress, and if she reproached him, he''d just raise his eyebrow, ''What of it, Julia? You know WHY we got married, so what right do you have to demand more?'' She''d hate him, - and love him, for she knew she''d love him always, - and Mason would look through her without seeing or caring.
The bed - the steaming passion they were feeling for each other at the moment would get cold, as during the pregnancy and after the labor Julia would be unable to be an adequate partner for Mason, and after this - well, passion was the most short-lived thing in the world, wasn''t it?
The baby - would Mason ever love her baby, who''d case this loveless marriage, as much as he loved his precious Mary''s son? Wouldn''t Julia''s baby feel deprived, second-rate, unhappy and jealous? Would Mason be taking disappointment out on the baby?
No; whatever aspect Julia took, there seemed to be no chance for them, if they started like this. It seemed silly, and too romantic, and naive, so ninth-form, but Julia was sure there was much more than sensible reasons and mutual respect to build a marriage on. More than a baby who wasn''t planned and more than harmony in sex. And since it was Julia who was in love she would suffer more when, little by little, their home was breaking.
Julia knew she had hurt Mason but she thought she just needed to explain it all to him, and he would see it her way.
So she wiped off her tears. She wanted a baby, and Mason gave it to her. While he wanted it, she''d be happy to share his bed and his life. And she''d pray every day for them to remain friends whatever came up.
*
In a few hours, when Julia had already cried herself to sleep, the doorbell rang. Again, and then again, and again.
"Coming!" she shouted, quickly tying up the belt of her wrapper. "Who is it?"
"JULIA!"
She flung the door open. "Mason?"
He was leaning heavily on the doorpost. "May I come in?"
She stepped aside. On unsure legs, he walked in. Drunk - he was sooo drunk. Julia wasn''t afraid of Mason, she had never been; but she had no idea what to expect of him when he was like this.
She started closing the door.
"Just a moment," he stopped her. He picked the flowers out of the vase - it flew off the desk and got broken to pieces, but he gave it no notice, - quickly walked up to the door and threw the bouquet out. "Now you can lock it."
Slowly, Julia closed the door and secured the locks. What else was he about?
"Those were my flowers," she said softly.
"They went together with my proposal. And if you rejected me they must be gone. Out of sight - out of mind - the favorite law for Ms Wain--wright."
"And that was my favorite vase."
"Got broken, huh?"
"Yes."
She squatted to pick up the pieces. Mason heavily sat down on the floor in front of her. "Sorry. I''ll buy you a new one."
"Hardly."
He had not drunk enough to turn disgusting, she thought. With his tie undone, his hair slightly unkempt, he actually looked rather attractive.
"I''ve come because I told Mrs Whitcomb - I gave her this phone number in case Matthew needed me," Mason said. "I don''t want him to see me like this. Can I stay here till morning, Julia?"
"Okay. You can sleep here on the sofa. I''ll fetch a pillow and a blanket."
She did, and Mason lay down. He''d taken off only his shoes, his tie and his jacket, and he unbuttoned his vest. Julia watched him close his eyes peacefully, and felt suffused with sudden tenderness. She stood there and kept watching him.
"Want to join me?" he said clearly without opening his eyes.
"No."
"I know you don''t." He sighed.
"If you were sober I would."
"I was sober earlier this evening. You didn''t."
"Mason."
"Julia."
"Don''t you blame me for driving you to drink. It''s not fair." Being an alcoholic''s daughter, Julia knew only too well how manipulative such people are with their family members'' feelings, such as love and guilt.
To her surprise, Mason shook his head.
"No, it''s not. You''re not to blame if I am not good enough for you. I''ve never been good enough - for anyone, including my own parents. Don''t know why I was surprised."
"Mason, please."
"Isn''t it so? Isn''t it why you rejected me?"
Julia clutched her hands together. "You have always been good enough for me."
"Then there was another reason," he focused his eyes on her. "Give me your hand."
She did, and Mason gently pulled it. He had her sit by his side. "You just do not need a man," he said sadly. "What you needed was the missing part of the D.N.A. If you could get a baby without a man, you would."
"No," Julia argued choking with tears again. Her hand was kept securely in his, and with his other hand he patted her skin so tenderly it contradicted his harsh, bitter words.
"You said you loved me," he complained so softly she would not have heard him had she been standing.
"I do, Mason," she said as softly.
"I wish you did."
"I do," she repeated. His eyes were searching his face.
"You are rejecting me," he stated at last, closing his eyes again, as if against bright light.
"Mason. You don''t understand."
"No," he agreed. "I don''t."
Julia sighed. What''s not understand?
"Oh Mason," she said. "I wish you loved me."
But he had already dozed off.
Slowly, she withdrew her hand. She patted his soft hair. "I love you," she said under her breath and got up.
She never slept a wink, later that night.
tbc
Chapter 9
The first thing Julia heard from Mason in the morning was a long groan.
Smiling she brought in a tray. Mason was sitting on the sofa running his fingers through his hair.
"Hungover," she stated.
Another groan.
She handed him a glass. "Here."
Without asking what it was he drank. "Thank you Julia." He gave the glass back and then faced her. "So you got another chance to see me wallowing in self-pity, eh?"
"You said you didn''t want Matt to see you like this."
"Right. Neither did I want YOU to see me like this. Don''t know why I crawled back here, after--"
"I''m glad you came," she interrupted.
Mason looked at her skeptically, and then he smiled, his smile lighting up his features. "Are you?"
"Yes," she said simply.
"Julia-"
"Mason," she interrupted again. "I - I wrote you a letter."
"Did you."
"I listed all the reasons why I - why we cannot get married."
She analyzed too much; just like him, Mason suddenly thought.
She handed him the folded paper. Mason put it in his jacket''s inner pocket. "I''ll read it - when my head aches less, I promise. And now - come here."
He opened his arms and brought Julia close to him. He was so warm and strong; Julia yielded to him with abandonment.
They stood like this for a while, holding each other tight, Mason smelling her beautiful hair, Julia resting her head on his shoulder. Both felt at home; both wanted to belong together.
"You''ve been crying," Mason pointed out gently. "I hurt you?"
"No, no," she protested.
"I did not mean to."
"I know. I think I hurt y o u."
"You did. The rejection was - unexpected."
"I''m sorry. I wrote--"
"Hush. I''ll read what you wrote, and think it over. Don''t cry any more, it''s not good for our baby."
Julia smiled. "Okay, daddy."
"Julia," Mason said softly. "We - haven''t ruined it, have we?"
"No," Julia said, after some consideration. It surprised her, for it disagreed with all her previous experience, but it was true: this misunderstanding had not ruined what they shared. She was so relieved it was so. "Somehow we haven''t."
"I must confess--"
"What?"
"I don''t remember what I said or did when I got back to you, drunk. Before you say - I need to apologize, anyway."
Julia stepped back, raising her forefinger. "Let me see. You threw away my flowers and broke my favorite vase."
"Oh no. I am sorry."
"Then you told me why you thought I rejected you, and I said that you were wrong. Then you said you wished I loved you," she turned away, "and I said I do."
Mason came closer and kissed her fingers. "Julia--"
The telephone rang. "Excuse me." She picked it up. "Hallo. Yes. Yes, he''s here."
"About Matt?" Mason said hastily taking the receiver; Julia shook her head. "Mason Capwell. Yes." He grimaced. "Yes. I spent the night here, indeed. No, you''re not mistaken, it''s Julia Wainwright''s. Get used to it, Dad."
Julia gave him an alarmed look, but Mason just winked at her. "Matt? Oh Dad. All he did while I was away was sleeping. It''s not like what YOU used to-- ah, I see. You prefer not to--"
Obviously CC was not giving Mason a chance to properly retort. Julia squeezed Mason''s arm as a sign of support, and he nodded gratefully.
"What?" he said then. "No - I mean when?" His face changed. "I''m sure - it must be-"
CC must have slammed the receiver down. Mason hung up slowly. "Can''t believe it," he said.
"What? What''s up?"
"Nothng - it''s Mother, I mean it must be her. I must find her - I''m sorry Julia."
Mason drew her to him and kissed her briefly. "I''m sorry. I just need to do it quick, before it''s too late."
"I see. Take care," she said.
He nodded and hurried out.
tbc
/Olga Lisenkova/
